Wednesday, September 20, 2017

To Lead a Happier Life

I feel like I am ready for a partner
and want a steady man in my life
who cares about me
and who I can build a life with
But I feel like I am not an obvious choice for the majority of men
and the men who seem to pick me
have something equally wrong with them as I have
and cannot provide the stable emotions I need
to mimic and get my extremes ups and downs under control
so that I can lead a more normal, happy life.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Words & Tears

sometimes
hell, most times
writing doesn't help 
it just solidifies 
the beast inside
but I'm bursting through the stitches, so 
I try to speak and 
get choked up by the third word
Go ahead, ask me and wait 
and on the beat, though off-key
the tears are still right here 
Ready to pounce out and 
reveal me
and I don't know about you 
but I really don't want to know
that precisely 
How frail I am
Exactly, absolutely how little 
anything matters now
and how 
to think of life
forward and back
makes me shake so hard 
I can't steer straight
The intensity of everything
makes me want to stop fighting 
& release
Allow the coil to let me go
and in that exercise
All that I've done
will gather its meaning

I can be more than
this life.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

chose to be alone.

Waking up and going home alone
to a mediocre apartment that I try to make comfortable enough
to forget that I am alone and this is not what I expected

I never thought I would be thinking of living alone at this point
And there were a few people
and a few choices
I could've made to Not be alone at this moment
But I didn't Want to.


I didn't want to give certain people a chance
I didn't want to live in certain places to not be alone
and Now here I am, a person who doesn't make choices
Who, it seems
chose to be alone.


Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Something to Someone

He says he wants to be something to someone
Another faceless voiceless internet ghost
I am not of this modern world
it makes me float like a particle
pushed and pulled wherever the wind blows
rootless, meaningless
all the accounts, the avatars
curated for strangers
I can't take much more bullshit
touchscreen sound effects
notifications and updates
Make the fake world stop spinning
I am hollow

Sunday, September 10, 2017

TYFT

It's all a blur
I have no idea
what is real
because
nothing matters to me
Except that
I'm not alone
for over 50% of my life
and no chaperoned
by transients

and to not fall for
addict after addict
feigning normalcy

I wish for this
and I think
you try to provide
and I sabotage it with my fears
and frayed nerves
from experience
But thank you for trying.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

1 person

Alone all the time
Afraid of the world
Physically cold
Mentally blank
Insides falling out of holes
How can I be independent
I don't want to not need anyone
I have zero interest
in wandering around alone
I would still put 1 person first
it's my nature
I still want to build a home
with 1 person

Dead Thing

Thinking I want you makes me
a bad person, it's true
Lying to myself because I'm solution-oriented
and want to solve this easily
I am like a cat with a dead thing
making myself sick

I love to think you're the One
I love to think there Is
a One

What a joke
What a dream
I can keep dreaming
or
I can
wake up and find the
Right One